How can you help your spouse when you’re lost in your own needs? When our two sons died, in 1982 and in 1985, my first husband and I were so caught up in grief that we couldn’t see the hurt in each other. I was sad beyond belief and at the time, all I knew was that I hurt on a level that is unfathomable to most. I felt like darkness was swallowing me everyday, all day, that I could drown in it, but I needed to deal with my agony because I had someone else who depended on me. This devastation could have made me collapse – it had a weight and power of its own. I could either succumb to tremendous misery, or I could keep putting one foot in front of the other. Will was almost 2 in 1982 and almost 5 in 1985, and needed me present for him. So, I talked to whomever would listen, and did what I could to work through some of my anguish. I kept stolidly moving forward and not collapsing under the weight of my sadness. My grief was compounded  in August 1985 when my father died unexpectedly. Mark on the other hand, didn’t talk about anything. He only criticized me at Christmas when I mentioned that I missed my Dad. We were lost to one another and never found our way back. I don’t know if he thought he was being brave for Will and me, or if it was just his way of coping with his feelings. I do know, that facing our heartbreak in such different ways was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I don’t think either of us was right or wrong, only that we handled heartbreak differently. I know it’s easy to look back on this difficult time now and be dispassionate. But, why couldn’t we have talked to one another – opened up and shared our pain?