Month: August 2015

Mom – Forever Gone?

Aside | | robin

I need some time alone so I can cry until I have no more tears.

Not cry for my Mom, but for me because she’s forever gone from my life.

But, is she? No, I don’t think so. I hear her in things I say, I see her in the mirror,

I feel her in my heart. She’ll live on in me and through me in the things she taught me

and in the way I look at life and the people in it. Always looking for the best in

others and in all situations. Showing compassion to people, animals, and the world.

Being content when you have enough. Always trying to make someone’s day brighter and better

because I’m in it. No, she’s not forever gone from my life – she’s here in everything

I do.

Late Summer Roadside

Aside | | robin

Late summer roadside offers its own allure:

Goldenrod – a riotous explosion – nature’s fireworks,

Joe Pye Weed – rosy mounds of bloom, showing off for all.

Ironweed an amethyst profusion of artistry,

and cardinal flowers in crimson colored  perfection.

Humble asters, in shades of white and purple, perfect

circles of fringe, heartily adorning yards and roadsides.

Flax – azure as the sky above – true blue in a flower.

and, oh, I almost forgot the thistle – how could I? It’s perfect in purple.

Look beyond the overgrown, turning brown ordinariness and

notice late summer roadside exquisiteness.

Stuck

Aside | | robin

Here I am – stuck –

I don’t know…

what to think

what to feel

what to do

How do I process this?

My Mom, one of the most alive and vibrant of women

has been reduced to a shadow of her former self –

she can’t speak

she can’t move

she can’t eat

she can’t drink

she can’t take care of elimination.

She is skin and bones.

She must be turned every 2 hours.

She is dependent on others for everything.

She is a shadow of her former self.

How is this fair? – Yes, I know, life’s not fair,

but how can her life end so insensitively?

Where is mercy when it is so fiercely required?

Driving with the Windows Down

Aside | | robin

Driving with the windows down makes me feel so free.

I  hear the whirring, clicking, clacking, and sweet steady beat of insects;

the scree of  hawks, the music of songbirds, and

the raucous caw of  crows.

I smell the river’s perfume, the earthy smell of the woods, and the

sweet smell of new mown hay.

I feel the warmth of the sunshine, the heavy humid air, and wind blowing across my skin

and through my hair.

Windows down, radio up – I’m ready for the freedom of the road.

Gathering Grace

Aside | | robin

Nature serves solace as a main course –

Hand painted skies at sunrise,

a gentle fog blanket on the river,

flowers trailing rainbow wakes,

a moon – cratered and dazzling,

colorful bird bouquets at the feeder,

morning sunlight filtering through trees,

the sweet steady beat of insects,

riotous bird calls,

melodious bird song,

dragonflies dipping iridescent wings in pond water,

butterflies gracefully drifting from flower to flower,

rain falling to nourish Mother earth’s soul,

And, me in its marvelous midst, gathering grace.

Past Tired

Aside | | robin

You know you’re past tired –

-when you’re sitting at a red light,

it turns green, and suddenly you realize

it’s the next traffic light –

not the one where you’re sitting.

-when you’re driving in the dark on the interstate,

and suddenly you see something that looks

like a small dog dancing at the side of the road.

-when you go to bed at 1:30, but you’re up

at 6:30 – you can no longer sleep since

your mind is racing, but your body isn’t.

– the body refuses a race of any kind.

-You’re typing an email, and as you read what you type

you realize that you’re thinking one thing and typing another.

-When you’re creating a new post and mean to save it as a

draft, but instead hit the publish button…

Sheeesh…

Marking Time

Aside | | robin

Nothing is as it should be –

My Mom lies waiting for death…

My brother and I sit by her side…

I can’t find anything I need…

My body and mind can’t rest…

I know neither what time it is

nor what day it is…

My body aches and my heart breaks…

It’s so cold…

I’m okay one minute and

tearful the next…

The kindness and compassion shown

to me by friends, family,  former students, parents of former students,

colleagues, and the staff here at Morningside is overwhelming-

more than I could ever have imagined –

Yet, I’m completely lost…

All I have to remember is there is no

wrong way to do this…

It is unprecedented.

Holding Hands with Mom

Aside | | robin

As I sit here holding hands with Mom –

It’s hard to tell where her hand

ends and my hand begins.

That special connection that exists

between a mother and daughter –

how do you begin to explain it?

I realize our clasped hands say everything…

Puryear School

Aside | | robin

IMG_1126

How can a building that looms so large in my memory actually be so small?

How can a building –  always  teeming with life, possibility, hope for the future,

controlled bedlam, and organized chaos that is a school, now be so empty and silent?

How can a parking lot that was always swarming with cars, buses, parents and students

be so flat and hushed and desolate?

How can a place where I laughed and cried; played basketball and ran track; had secret crushes on boys I was too shy to

speak to; played red rover; hung by my knees from monkey bars; made lasting friendships; started my period;  occasionally studied; got caught chewing gum many times – had to

write 5,000 sentences in one night (thank you Mr. Atchison); and developed a lifetime love of reading; now appear to recollect

none of this?

How can a place that contains such meaningful memories  be so totally bereft of life?

Indelible memories, forever etched in my mind, will carry me back when longing fills my soul.

I drove by there today as I always do when I’m here and wondered when my heart will no longer

feel empty, as I look at a place so reticent to reveal all that it once contained.