Family

Death Watch

Aside | | robin

As our family gathers around Mom waiting to see if her next breath will be her last –

I keep expecting her to sit up and make a quip about what we’re all doing here.

As we ate  dinner last night, we laughed and laughed – I thought about how

she would have been right in the middle of the fun laughing uproariously with

the rest of us. Oh, did my Mom know how to have fun!

And, now as we wait and watch and tell her how much we love her, moisten her lips, and visit and talk – I wonder how much she’s aware of, how much she can

hear, what she can sense about what’s going on, but most of all I hope she somehow

can feel the love in the room – the love for her that binds us.

Remembering Mom

Aside | | robin

We can cry because she’s gone, or

We can rejoice because she spent time with us.

We can feel sad that she left us, or

We can be glad that she left us with so much.

We can look back with longing, or

We can look ahead with strength she gave us.

We can fear tomorrow without her, or

we can embrace tomorrow with courage she embodied.

Mom – I’ll forever be grateful for time we shared,

courage you modeled, wisdom you exemplified,

the humorous way you saw the world, and your unconditional love.

So, we will go on as you would wish us to: loving, forgiving,

smiling, and living life to its fullest.

To John and Benjamin

| robin

John (1982) and Benjamin (1985)

Two sons I carry only in my heart-

never in my arms –

I never got to hear your laughter –

yet you will always be part of me.

I will never know what you could have become

for your time with me was short,

but you are forever imprinted on my heart.

I only held you in my arms as you

took your final breaths, but

I know you could feel the depth of my love.

Mourning my Mom

| robin

I finally realized – today –

I’m already mourning my Mom.

I mourn the strong, intelligent, funny, compassionate,

and honest woman that my Mom was.

The dementia has already stolen her from me

with its cruel march through her mind.

I’m already mourning my Mom –

sometimes she knows me, and

sometimes she’s not sure who I am.

I can only hope with my whole heart

and entire being, that she’s not suffering –

That I could not bear.

I’m already mourning my Mom –

I don’t know how long she’ll continue

in her present state – here, yet not here.

Here in body only.

My Mom – the most influential person in my life –

the only human who has always loved me unconditionally.

My Mom – the strongest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most compassionate woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most independent woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most intelligent woman I’ve ever known, and

the wisest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the kindest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the funniest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most honest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most determined woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – yet not any longer the woman I knew.

My Mom – I’ll love you forever and you will always

live in me and through me.

In Spite of Everything, I Love You

| robin

I stand weeping at your grave

Tears falling like ice melting from my heart.

Tears that won’t cease

Crying over time we missed spending together

Crying about misunderstandings we experienced-

Crying about the hurt you must have endured –

nails driven into your heart.

I cry for the time you missed spending with those

who loved you, yet were afraid of you.

I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

I wish I could talk to you now

I wish I could tell you I understand

But, all the wishing in the world

won’t change the fact that you are

out of my reach – so I come here

where we buried you on that hot August

day in 1985 – to leave this in hope

that somehow you’ll understand that

in spite of everything, I love you.

(June 28, 2015 – This is something I wrote to my Dad)

Son of my Son

| robin

IMG_0170

Son of my son-

I can’t wait to meet you.

You are already loved beyond measure-

You, a perfect being, one of a kind.

You are blessed with parents who are:

kind, loving, strong, and intelligent.

Your life is one of promise-

A gift to discover as your story unfolds-

As you grow to be a man.

I, your grandmother,  love you

unconditionally for ever and always.

(written as I waited for my first grandchild to be born) 4-9-13

Woodrow William Cantrell was born September 5, 2013

To my son on the occasion of his 30th birthday – July 26, 2010

| robin

Where do I begin?

The years have flown so swiftly past as I have watched you grow from a newborn into a toddler, so beautiful -you took my breath away. You then grew into a little boy so funny and curious – you kept me on my toes. You had a fabulous belly laugh that could make the world laugh with you. We made countless trips to the library to keep you supplied with books pertaining to your current interest. Then you became a middle schooler – unafraid of being intelligent in a world filled with those who were unwilling to do the same. As a high schooler, you were an avid mountain biker, long distance runner,  photographer,  budding writer and musician. You were a self-motivated learner. You knew your own mind and weren’t afraid to do what you wanted. You traveled by yourself on both short and long trips in cars and on motorcycles. You graduated from high school 6th in your class and did so without effort. College was a bit frustrating for you. You wanted to begin in the middle, but had to begin with things you said you had learned in high school. After much exploration, you finally changed your major to engineering. This is when everything began to fall into place for you. After you graduated, you went to work, getting a job without even applying for it. You finally decided that you couldn’t do exactly as you wanted without a masters degree. A masters degree that someone else would pay for and pay you for working while you finished. Graduating with your masters, TVA offered you a job in their River Forecast Center making considerably more money than you had previously made. As I always told you, God made you smart and your Dad and I made you good looking, however it’s more important for you to be a good person and a good citizen of the planet. You have accomplished all of this. You’re my best contribution to the world and I love you with all my heart.