Grief

Mom – Forever Gone?

Aside | | robin

I need some time alone so I can cry until I have no more tears.

Not cry for my Mom, but for me because she’s forever gone from my life.

But, is she? No, I don’t think so. I hear her in things I say, I see her in the mirror,

I feel her in my heart. She’ll live on in me and through me in the things she taught me

and in the way I look at life and the people in it. Always looking for the best in

others and in all situations. Showing compassion to people, animals, and the world.

Being content when you have enough. Always trying to make someone’s day brighter and better

because I’m in it. No, she’s not forever gone from my life – she’s here in everything

I do.

Marking Time

Aside | | robin

Nothing is as it should be –

My Mom lies waiting for death…

My brother and I sit by her side…

I can’t find anything I need…

My body and mind can’t rest…

I know neither what time it is

nor what day it is…

My body aches and my heart breaks…

It’s so cold…

I’m okay one minute and

tearful the next…

The kindness and compassion shown

to me by friends, family,  former students, parents of former students,

colleagues, and the staff here at Morningside is overwhelming-

more than I could ever have imagined –

Yet, I’m completely lost…

All I have to remember is there is no

wrong way to do this…

It is unprecedented.

Death Watch

Aside | | robin

As our family gathers around Mom waiting to see if her next breath will be her last –

I keep expecting her to sit up and make a quip about what we’re all doing here.

As we ate  dinner last night, we laughed and laughed – I thought about how

she would have been right in the middle of the fun laughing uproariously with

the rest of us. Oh, did my Mom know how to have fun!

And, now as we wait and watch and tell her how much we love her, moisten her lips, and visit and talk – I wonder how much she’s aware of, how much she can

hear, what she can sense about what’s going on, but most of all I hope she somehow

can feel the love in the room – the love for her that binds us.

To John and Benjamin

| robin

John (1982) and Benjamin (1985)

Two sons I carry only in my heart-

never in my arms –

I never got to hear your laughter –

yet you will always be part of me.

I will never know what you could have become

for your time with me was short,

but you are forever imprinted on my heart.

I only held you in my arms as you

took your final breaths, but

I know you could feel the depth of my love.

Mourning my Mom

| robin

I finally realized – today –

I’m already mourning my Mom.

I mourn the strong, intelligent, funny, compassionate,

and honest woman that my Mom was.

The dementia has already stolen her from me

with its cruel march through her mind.

I’m already mourning my Mom –

sometimes she knows me, and

sometimes she’s not sure who I am.

I can only hope with my whole heart

and entire being, that she’s not suffering –

That I could not bear.

I’m already mourning my Mom –

I don’t know how long she’ll continue

in her present state – here, yet not here.

Here in body only.

My Mom – the most influential person in my life –

the only human who has always loved me unconditionally.

My Mom – the strongest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most compassionate woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most independent woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most intelligent woman I’ve ever known, and

the wisest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the kindest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the funniest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most honest woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – the most determined woman I’ve ever known.

My Mom – yet not any longer the woman I knew.

My Mom – I’ll love you forever and you will always

live in me and through me.

In Spite of Everything, I Love You

| robin

I stand weeping at your grave

Tears falling like ice melting from my heart.

Tears that won’t cease

Crying over time we missed spending together

Crying about misunderstandings we experienced-

Crying about the hurt you must have endured –

nails driven into your heart.

I cry for the time you missed spending with those

who loved you, yet were afraid of you.

I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

I wish I could talk to you now

I wish I could tell you I understand

But, all the wishing in the world

won’t change the fact that you are

out of my reach – so I come here

where we buried you on that hot August

day in 1985 – to leave this in hope

that somehow you’ll understand that

in spite of everything, I love you.

(June 28, 2015 – This is something I wrote to my Dad)

Tribute to Charleston

| robin

As I continue to struggle with the tragic loss of life in Charleston, and my tears continue to fall, I do the only thing that seems to help- I write. I thought I’d share in hope that it might help someone else.
Nine lives brought to a sudden halt
Nine lives lost- creating infinite ripples throughout the world
Nine lives leaving craters behind
Craters that can’t be filled
Now there’s:
A church with no pastor…
A library with no librarian…
A track team with no coach…
A young man, 26 and the youngest to die,
willing to sacrifice himself
To protect his elderly aunt –
An elderly aunt who was killed anyway and oldest to die…
A ministerial staff member who no longer lives to serve…
A choir member whose voice is forever silenced…
Another church without a pastor…
And, a church with no sexton.
Yet I continue to struggle…
How can one so young have such senseless hatred?
How can a mind be so poisoned and a heart so hard
That it can wreak such chaos and senseless destruction-
Creating craters that can’t be filled?

Summer 2015