Marking Time

Aside | | robin

Nothing is as it should be –

My Mom lies waiting for death…

My brother and I sit by her side…

I can’t find anything I need…

My body and mind can’t rest…

I know neither what time it is

nor what day it is…

My body aches and my heart breaks…

It’s so cold…

I’m okay one minute and

tearful the next…

The kindness and compassion shown

to me by friends, family,  former students, parents of former students,

colleagues, and the staff here at Morningside is overwhelming-

more than I could ever have imagined –

Yet, I’m completely lost…

All I have to remember is there is no

wrong way to do this…

It is unprecedented.

Holding Hands with Mom

Aside | | robin

As I sit here holding hands with Mom –

It’s hard to tell where her hand

ends and my hand begins.

That special connection that exists

between a mother and daughter –

how do you begin to explain it?

I realize our clasped hands say everything…

Puryear School

Aside | | robin

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How can a building that looms so large in my memory actually be so small?

How can a building –  always  teeming with life, possibility, hope for the future,

controlled bedlam, and organized chaos that is a school, now be so empty and silent?

How can a parking lot that was always swarming with cars, buses, parents and students

be so flat and hushed and desolate?

How can a place where I laughed and cried; played basketball and ran track; had secret crushes on boys I was too shy to

speak to; played red rover; hung by my knees from monkey bars; made lasting friendships; started my period;  occasionally studied; got caught chewing gum many times – had to

write 5,000 sentences in one night (thank you Mr. Atchison); and developed a lifetime love of reading; now appear to recollect

none of this?

How can a place that contains such meaningful memories  be so totally bereft of life?

Indelible memories, forever etched in my mind, will carry me back when longing fills my soul.

I drove by there today as I always do when I’m here and wondered when my heart will no longer

feel empty, as I look at a place so reticent to reveal all that it once contained.

Death Watch

Aside | | robin

As our family gathers around Mom waiting to see if her next breath will be her last –

I keep expecting her to sit up and make a quip about what we’re all doing here.

As we ate  dinner last night, we laughed and laughed – I thought about how

she would have been right in the middle of the fun laughing uproariously with

the rest of us. Oh, did my Mom know how to have fun!

And, now as we wait and watch and tell her how much we love her, moisten her lips, and visit and talk – I wonder how much she’s aware of, how much she can

hear, what she can sense about what’s going on, but most of all I hope she somehow

can feel the love in the room – the love for her that binds us.

Remembering Mom

Aside | | robin

We can cry because she’s gone, or

We can rejoice because she spent time with us.

We can feel sad that she left us, or

We can be glad that she left us with so much.

We can look back with longing, or

We can look ahead with strength she gave us.

We can fear tomorrow without her, or

we can embrace tomorrow with courage she embodied.

Mom – I’ll forever be grateful for time we shared,

courage you modeled, wisdom you exemplified,

the humorous way you saw the world, and your unconditional love.

So, we will go on as you would wish us to: loving, forgiving,

smiling, and living life to its fullest.

The Unknown

Aside | | robin

All of life is an unknown, but

sometimes we fool ourselves and

feel we’re in control.

Now, as I face the fact that my Mom

is dying, I’m reminded that we are

never in control, only doing our best

to make things work and maintain

some semblance of control.

As today dawns –

skies are overcast and gray, rain is falling –

reflecting my frame of mind.

Such great sorrow and sadness fill my heart –

not for my Mom – I know she’s ready to die,

but for me. She’s forever been my rock

giving me unconditional love and acceptance.

As I begin to cope, chaos fills my soul and I realize

I’m not in charge – I must wait for the

One who is in control to make the next move.

Please bestow peace and acceptance in me

as I move through another challenging time

in my life. I know I am strong, but human

strength has its limits. Why do I always feel the

need to be strong?

Autumnal Equinox Paradox

Aside | | robin

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Leaves reveal true colorations and

a cerulean sky is more beautiful than

words can describe. There is a crispness

to air I breathe causing me to inhale

deeply;  humidity takes a break leaving

an atmosphere no longer steamy and

sweltering. No wonder I await this

time of year with joyous anticipation.

Yet it is not without shortcomings.

Nuts underfoot remind us how fast we

can be on the ground – ball bearings for our feet.

The sun shines at sharper angles – blindingly

bright both morning and evening.

Hours of daylight decrease –

leaving  me desiring more sunlight – and

mourning added hours of darkness.

Darkness that can consume me with longing for

daylight and the joy it contains. Darkness born of fewer

available hours of sunlight as we move from

Autumnal Equinox toward  Winter Solstice.

It’s this paradox which leaves me feeling torn

between my longing for fall and its distinctive dance toward

winter; and the Winter Solstice and its trudge toward the

Vernal Equinox and lusciously lavish new life of spring.

Pain Stopped Me in My Tracks

Aside | | robin

Yesterday, pain stopped me in my tracks.

What began as a mild, but bearable pain

built into throbbing unbearable agony.

The muscle that runs from my head

down through my neck and into my shoulder

pulsed with pain that wouldn’t allow me

to lift or turn my head, or to sit up when

I was lying down. I was miserable when awake,

but couldn’t sleep. The pain stabbed like

a hot poker. I couldn’t drive, nor hardly ride

in a car. What was this monster that entered my

body? A beast that burned its way from my head

down to my shoulder. When a body that lives with

chronic pain – sobs at a new attacker, you know it’s a brute.

Heat helped, but only when I could find a way to remain static –

any movement brought renewed tears. The doctor says I have

somehow damaged the muscle that runs from my head to my

shoulder and it must calm down! I must give it time to heal.

So, he prescribed magic medicine to tame the brutal beast.

I certainly want it, at the very least, to calm down. I really want

to forget that this pain ever existed. With any luck, I shall.

Living in a Dream World

| robin

Living in a dream world all my own.

Thoughts simmering in my mind –

rarely hesitating, sometimes hurrying,

other times rambling, but always seeking

my fantasy world – I can do what I want,

say what I want, love who I want.

There is no pain, no drama, I’m alone when I wish,

have companionship when I want, laughter when

I need it, tears when my soul needs cleansing, I’m

loved beyond measure, and peace fills my heart and soul.

Beauty surrounds me: flowing rivers, elegant trees,

many hued flowers, colors of the rainbow, satisfying smells,

fabulous art, soft skin, great books, good conversation,

time to write, and fantastic food to eat. I sleep when I want,

wake when I wish, and suit myself most all the time.