Path uncharted
Wandering aimlessly
Observing thoroughly
Thinking ceaselessly
Creating relentlessly
Imagining always
Yearning perpetually
Ever a work in progress – perfection never attained.
Always beginning anew…
Path uncharted
Wandering aimlessly
Observing thoroughly
Thinking ceaselessly
Creating relentlessly
Imagining always
Yearning perpetually
Ever a work in progress – perfection never attained.
Always beginning anew…
I need some time alone so I can cry until I have no more tears.
Not cry for my Mom, but for me because she’s forever gone from my life.
But, is she? No, I don’t think so. I hear her in things I say, I see her in the mirror,
I feel her in my heart. She’ll live on in me and through me in the things she taught me
and in the way I look at life and the people in it. Always looking for the best in
others and in all situations. Showing compassion to people, animals, and the world.
Being content when you have enough. Always trying to make someone’s day brighter and better
because I’m in it. No, she’s not forever gone from my life – she’s here in everything
I do.
Late summer roadside offers its own allure:
Goldenrod – a riotous explosion – nature’s fireworks,
Joe Pye Weed – rosy mounds of bloom, showing off for all.
Ironweed an amethyst profusion of artistry,
and cardinal flowers in crimson colored perfection.
Humble asters, in shades of white and purple, perfect
circles of fringe, heartily adorning yards and roadsides.
Flax – azure as the sky above – true blue in a flower.
and, oh, I almost forgot the thistle – how could I? It’s perfect in purple.
Look beyond the overgrown, turning brown ordinariness and
notice late summer roadside exquisiteness.
Here I am – stuck –
I don’t know…
what to think
what to feel
what to do
How do I process this?
My Mom, one of the most alive and vibrant of women
has been reduced to a shadow of her former self –
she can’t speak
she can’t move
she can’t eat
she can’t drink
she can’t take care of elimination.
She is skin and bones.
She must be turned every 2 hours.
She is dependent on others for everything.
She is a shadow of her former self.
How is this fair? – Yes, I know, life’s not fair,
but how can her life end so insensitively?
Where is mercy when it is so fiercely required?
Driving with the windows down makes me feel so free.
I hear the whirring, clicking, clacking, and sweet steady beat of insects;
the scree of hawks, the music of songbirds, and
the raucous caw of crows.
I smell the river’s perfume, the earthy smell of the woods, and the
sweet smell of new mown hay.
I feel the warmth of the sunshine, the heavy humid air, and wind blowing across my skin
and through my hair.
Windows down, radio up – I’m ready for the freedom of the road.
Nature serves solace as a main course –
Hand painted skies at sunrise,
a gentle fog blanket on the river,
flowers trailing rainbow wakes,
a moon – cratered and dazzling,
colorful bird bouquets at the feeder,
morning sunlight filtering through trees,
the sweet steady beat of insects,
riotous bird calls,
melodious bird song,
dragonflies dipping iridescent wings in pond water,
butterflies gracefully drifting from flower to flower,
rain falling to nourish Mother earth’s soul,
And, me in its marvelous midst, gathering grace.
You know you’re past tired –
-when you’re sitting at a red light,
it turns green, and suddenly you realize
it’s the next traffic light –
not the one where you’re sitting.
-when you’re driving in the dark on the interstate,
and suddenly you see something that looks
like a small dog dancing at the side of the road.
-when you go to bed at 1:30, but you’re up
at 6:30 – you can no longer sleep since
your mind is racing, but your body isn’t.
– the body refuses a race of any kind.
-You’re typing an email, and as you read what you type
you realize that you’re thinking one thing and typing another.
-When you’re creating a new post and mean to save it as a
draft, but instead hit the publish button…
Sheeesh…
Nothing is as it should be –
My Mom lies waiting for death…
My brother and I sit by her side…
I can’t find anything I need…
My body and mind can’t rest…
I know neither what time it is
nor what day it is…
My body aches and my heart breaks…
It’s so cold…
I’m okay one minute and
tearful the next…
The kindness and compassion shown
to me by friends, family, former students, parents of former students,
colleagues, and the staff here at Morningside is overwhelming-
more than I could ever have imagined –
Yet, I’m completely lost…
All I have to remember is there is no
wrong way to do this…
It is unprecedented.
As I sit here holding hands with Mom –
It’s hard to tell where her hand
ends and my hand begins.
That special connection that exists
between a mother and daughter –
how do you begin to explain it?
I realize our clasped hands say everything…